Forgiveness – rather long and a bit abstract

Forgiveness

Cows. Horses. People. The farm experience of Cows and Horses is helpful and sometimes a bit embarrassing  when understanding people.

  • Cows: very clearly minimal thought. They try hard, but a thought never seems to emerge from the mist.
  • Horses: about the level of a 2–3-year-old human. Definite ‘angry ears’, or expressions of disdain or acceptance. By the way, horses despise cows and will tolerate them but not with any affection.
  • People: Well, people have one characteristic that specifically impacts forgiveness which is the need to control. Obviously, controlling cows and horses is attractive to people, because it allows a full sense of superiority in the relationship.

When a horse acts like a horse and it is consistent with the human control plan, the human is gratified. When the horse acts like a horse and it is absolutely not what the human wanted, the human can get angry. That is a result of challenged control.

When you get angry at another person, are you reacting to a threat to your model of how things should be, of how you want the relationship to ‘happen?’

Cow Problems

Cow problems happen when the cow does not do what is desired. Cow problems are pretty simple to figure out – they want food, they go through the fence to get food. They get scared or panicked, they break through any fence that takes them away from their safe place. Typically, being angry at the cow is processed as a part of dealing with the ‘problem.’

  • There is a cow problem. (Person knocks on the door, says, “are those your cow(s) on the street?”

When that happens, the first concern besides anger is to take responsibility for addressing the problem. Find and return the cow to a safe place inside a control (fence). Control is good, getting the cow back in is good, and anger abates. Beating the cow or hurling invective at it are not something that actually deals with the issue.

Horse Problems

Horse problems inherently seem to work into a more complex relationship.

  • The horse is hitched to a sled and is supposed to pull the sled while it is being ridden. Oh cool, this is fun, hey look everyone… then something scares the horse (Horse: A leaf blew by me! Ahhhhhh!) followed by a really fast chariot ride that might end up with a trip to ER for some human damage.

When that happens, the immediate question is how to re-establish the ‘relationship’ with the horse – if upset to calm to bring back to a point of ‘communication’ where the horse is feeling safe with you and can understand what you are doing with it. It is a gratifying experience to get to that place where the horse feels safe with you and can respond to your inputs.

Human Problems…

Human problems are more challenging because there is no cognitive distance as with a cow or a horse. The conjecture of human problems is a conflict between needs to control. There are multiple layers to that need for control, and there are passive and aggressive expressions. The following is a way of treating control as a need to maintain a relational space.

  • People like to sit in the same place in a gathering. A new person comes to the gathering and takes “my place.”

First response is a sense of irritation or annoyance – usually a light degree of emotional ‘anger.’ There is a social barrier to stating, ‘excuse me, but I always sit here would you please move?’ However, there are passive ways this still spells out. Coming earlier, parking a purse or jacket in the spot – all trying to get control of the space. There can be  more and more tension if two people end up claiming the same place…

Looking at Forgiveness in the context of control

Premise: People want their “place” to be the way they want it. Their “place” includes a set of human relationships, some of which are extremely tangential (a car next to you on the freeway) and some that are extremely intimate (usually described as “familial”). Humans carry a ‘model’ inside them – in their mind, or in their heart about “how it is supposed to be.” Surprise! When comparing “how it is supposed to be” to “how it is” there is a violent dislocation, a miss, a brokenness.

In fact, the very definition of self is wrapped around a model that is intrinsically tied to every level of community and every level of who we are, what we do and why we do it. If you are a parent, your child is a major component of who you are.

So – what do we do about it?

Colossians 3:13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Here are the basics on this passage –

  • Bearing with one another
  • If you have a complaint, forgive each other
  • God has forgiven you
  • You also must forgive.

 

The reason this is important:

  • Bearing with one another is not controlling one another.
  • Forgiveness is not confronting to control.
  • God did not forgive you as an act of control, but as a recognition and response to your repentance. (I John 1:9)

 

So – here’s where this gets theologically interesting. We are not called to forgive to cause the other person to repent. Okay…. Then what?

 

There are a few scenarios to forgiveness that need to be addressed.

Forgiveness is in me.

This is what happens when God forgives me: He allows us to have a relationship because we are no longer isolated by our sin, our missing the mark, our being outside the plan God has for us. So, forgiveness does not change God, it releases me from my being outside the place he has for me – he ‘restores’ me. This is much what happens when the cows are out. When they are out, they are fearful, they act badly, they are prone to injury.

This issue then in relationships is very much a factor in understanding “bearing with one another.”

Bearing with one another

The common foolish human trick is to understand “bearing with one another” to mean “stuff it inside and act happy.” So, how’s that work for you? It doesn’t. Let’s introduce the concept of “self-awareness.” The I Corinthians 11:28 text says: “but let a man examine himself.” The context has to do with taking communion which is an act of obedience to remind us of our sin and our salvation.

When trying to process the irritation or pain of a situation, the usual rehearsal is of the fault in the one who broke the model of what is right. A full enumeration of all the deviations from ‘the way it is supposed to be.’ It is probably better to take a really clear look at the expectation model you have for the one who is breaking your model. The first thing to that end is to agree you are not in control of that person. At. All.

  • What was I expecting?
  • Who is responsible for that other person?
  • How do I change my model for the place that has them in it?
  • How do I forgive them for not being what I wanted them to be?
    • Which means accepting that who they are and what they do isn’t a fit
  • How do I build a new place in my model for who they are and what they do?

Here are the distinctions that are supported in scripture.

  • Total strangers are more or less cows. You do not have a real clue what they are thinking. You only commit yourself to them within specific bounds, bounds that do not dishonor you or God. Note that does not mean that other people are any safer or less safe that people in your closer places.
  • People in your social community exclusive from your spiritual community: Remember that context does not define character. All the people in the room are not in the same space – you can see that in terms of political topics. Horses – you have some visual clues about their emotional state and response to beneficial or threatening interaction.
  • Family (including church): These are the full and rich ‘human’ interactions which can wound the deepest and encourage the most powerfully. Vulnerability to deviations from a model can be devastating to our very person.

Bearing with each other has then the following ramifications:

  • The world is not ours to evaluate as right or wrong. ( I Cor. 5:12a) Period. God reserves that for Himself. That said, we are to be in the world but not ‘of’ the world (John 17:15-16) – we personally are not to conform to this present world system (Romans 12:2). We explicitly are absolutely not responsible for controlling the world. We are not to be a fighter, but to humbly correct and perhaps God will grant repentance (II Timothy 2:24-25).
  • People in our community (the social group which we are a part of) are bound by community definition. So far as possible, we are responsible to abide with the community definitions – ‘render unto Caesar things that are Caesars; obey the government for God is the one who established it. When the community values are not what we like, bearing with it is onerous. Jesus said if you are constrained to go one mile, go two (Matthew 5:41).
  • Bearing with Family is extremely challenging. When that relationship is absolutely not at all what you assumed or expected or hoped the most powerful desire is to ‘fix them.’ The guidance that takes one to ‘bearing’ really starts with first checking yourself, your model, and what you factually know about the person. Sometimes that will need to be discussed with a non-impacted spiritually trustworthy ‘elder in the Lord’ strictly due to the immense emotional stress. The main principle here is to be defined in Christ and family is a blessing and a challenge (Luke 8:21).
    • Simple deviations  – start with a conversation, follow with a third party, then with the context group. Note that this is the Matthew process.
    • Medium deviations from expectations (model) – with the above, is this a problem caused by an expectation which that other person can NEVER fulfill – one we have imposed on them? Then bearing encompasses first changing a false model. Giving up a false model is wholly on you. The other person cannot change your model for the relationship. This affects what can be called the depth of intimacy. Jesus calls this “Love,” or more properly ‘Agape.’
    • Toxic deviations are those which cause harm. Abuse, for example. The challenge in forgiving that person who is toxic is that ‘bearing’ with them literally must include a restraint or shift out of a relational place. Toxic literally means that the relational definition will cause injury – emotionally, psychologically, or physically. Therefor ‘bearing’ with one another must establish boundaries that protect. Those boundaries are a form of definition of a new place. So – if the enabling/abusing cycle exists, the relationship is toxic. Forgiving without a bearing that includes boundaries is trying to control that other person in the relationship. “Flee useless arguments.”

Getting from where you are to where you should be in Forgiveness

First, forgiveness and bearing with one another (forbearance) is a whole person process. That is, it encompasses body, soul, spirit and the heart. The only way that forgiveness and forbearance can come to be a core part of who you are is to understand why you yourself have to be responsible to forgive and make your understanding align with a ‘model’ of how things really are. Changing others is not your job. It is over your pay grade. It is explicitly called impossible for a reason. That does not give you permission to check out, it does not remove stewardship of what you are given to do. It does mean that manipulation or coercion or ‘muscling’ others to conform to your idea of how things are supposed to be is a sin. Yes, you ‘know’ what is ‘right and true.’ But part of knowing that is letting go of controlling others.

Remember that God wants us to deal with today. That is, when Jesus says, “sufficient to the day is the evil thereof” He is exactly telling us to look at this day and see what we are doing in it. When we start rehearsing the past or planning the future we are exactly trying to take what God directly tells us are His responsibilities: “Indeed, my plans are not like your plans, and my deeds are not like your deeds, as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my deeds higher than yours an my plans higher than yours…The promise I make does not return to me, having accomplished nothing.” (Isaiah 55:8-9,11)

God speaks. God makes a way. God has His eye on you, you are engraved on His palm. (various). The conclusion has to be that we forgive and bear with one another because God enables and empowers and changes us. We hear his voice (“My sheep hear my voice” John 10:27) not to hear just comfort and consolation – which he does promise – but to follow. Obey. Let go of control.

This is a struggle because of our nature. Our personal spirit wars against relinquishing control. There seems to be a series of decisions that are made in each day to “take each thought captive to make it obey Christ (II Cor. 10:5b).” Here are three legs of a decision stool about this:

  1. What is God telling you to do?
    1. Found in meditation on scripture, prayer, worship and listening.
  2. What does the whole of scripture (not just part of a verse) say?
    1. Take seriously the use of scripture as a substantial proof.
  3. What is the counsel of the godly (who does not have an emotional/control impact on the decision have?
    1. It is too easy to find a sympathetic ear that does not have the courage to tell you what is true in line with Scripture and the challenge of forgiveness and forbearance.

Remember that forgiveness is in you. That is, you in your heart commit as a moral decision to forgive that person for breaking something important to you.

Remember that your heart will not be pleased with that decision because of your desire for punishment of that person who harmed you.

Remember that you are responsible to submit your spirit to the ministry of the Holy Spirit who “will cause you to remember everything I have said to you.”

Remember that you are not perfect. You are not in control. You are the one who has chosen to forgive, and to forbear. And that forbear means to change the idea you have in your head of how “they” are supposed to act, to be, to treat you. That forbearing usually means creating a boundary around the relationship.